i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
