i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
