It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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