i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
accomplished twins. life is a go
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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