somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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