thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
