My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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