dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Pants are for mortals
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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