It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
