I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
