No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
