I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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