How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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