3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We need a shit load of segways right now
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
