Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
