apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Shame - the story of my life.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
