the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
