she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
There's always time for handjobs
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
