Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
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