Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
