a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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