I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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