batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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