He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
