Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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