You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
