Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
