my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
