This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
