He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
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