Cold hands, warm shart.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I supernannyed him into submission
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
