really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
