I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
