Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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