Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
