she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
