I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
