Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
