I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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