Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
