She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
