I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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