If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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