At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
