Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
