I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
