i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
