christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
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