I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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