You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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