chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
