if i can run in heels then i can drive
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
two words: eviction party
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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