he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
