When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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