sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
