i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
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His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
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I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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