Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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