Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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