The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
